I remember when we were youngish, around 10 maybe older.  He used to make up a lot of the model kits of tanks with soldiers and aircrafts.  He would paint them and put their stickers on and all.  but, come guyfawks, back in those days when we were allowed the tomb thumbs and double happies.  He would attach them to his models and blow them all up!  Every guyfawks I always remember that.

The story as seen in the eyes of Julie, Gordon's sister:

Gordon was sad that he was what he said as being "nowhere" in his life. Ok, he had work and sports activities he went to and a nice flash car, but nothing that really meant something, like a relationship with a possible future of children. But he felt that he had had that opportunity twice and twice he screwed thing up. He honestly did not know why. We talked at times about the fact that we grew up without our parents showing us love, if anything we got the opposite, so he said to me how can I trust myself that I am showing love in the right way when I don't know what to do? Am I doing the right things with what I say and do and share with my wife? Or am I letting her down and she's unhappy and not telling me so will this last? He was too humble to ask that outright. But he always had those questions on his mind, haunting him.

He totally destroyed his second marriage. Even I was shocked to find they had broken up. They were the perfect couple, and had so much ahead of them and just looked perfect for each other. both having a very much social life and fun of sports or doing things with their friends etc. But Gordon run out on her. It was after they started talking about kids. Gordon wanted kids more than anything. So much that no words can say. But, Our mum, when she gave birth to Gordon, he was breach. So he was turned around. During that process, there was some internal damage done to our mum. She couldn't have any more children after that, so I am actually his adopted sister. But we never thought anything of that. We were brother and sister and that was that. Mum however, constantly reminded Gordon of the damage he had done to her during birth. She would say it in a nasty way like blaming him for the damage and the pain and the fact she couldn't have anymore kids, and her stomach was bloated which was his fault as well. He grew up with her at him about that constantly. So when it came time to think of having his own kids he obviously had those thoughts in the back of his mind about what happened to his mum, where he was breach and hurt her. He did not want to hurt his wife, he just couldn't do it. At the time he hadn't thought that this was shy he backed away from her and went off with someone else who already had a child. It was his psychologist that put two and two together. To Gordon, that made so much sense because he had been so confused. Loving his wife but leaving her life that because deep down he thought what happened to mum could happen to his wife. He instantly left the girl he was with. He went to see his wife's parents out of respect for them, and explained things to them and apologised and asked their permission to speak to his wife and explain things. They allowed it. But, his wife had been hurt so much when he took off with another woman. Gordon said she said she had to change from loving him to hating him to stop the hurting inside. He had totally confused her and messed her up. She simply couldnt accept that besides this business from the past, it was the fact that he went off with another woman. That she felt was wrong and that whe could not trust him again. Over time, Gordon and I talked abut him and that he wanted to find a partner and settle down and have kids. At times he said it hurt him seeing Daniel because he would think, I wish I had kids. He often said that he was useless because he had screwed up not just one marriage but two, and that he had hurt two people very seriously. What would happen if he did find someone else, would he end up doing it a third time???? But that's what he wanted to do, settle down and have a family. But he was worthless to anyone and deeply ashamed of having already hurt two people. He was hurting deep down about having done that on top of desperately wanting to make something of his life and settle down. It was like he was in a cycle that ended him up no where. I know he was more hurt that he hurt two people he loved, more that the fact that he find a partner and settle down and have kids. He said in his suicide letter that he felt great remorse for having hurt people and that there was no excuse and he didn't deserve to be worthy of anyone and was disgusted with what he had done, so he was going to end his journey early so no one else got hurt.  He was obviously feeling so bad that he had hurt some people, but I believe everyone should deserve a second chance and now I am hurting because I have lost a brother I loved so much, and I am angry that he has gone for this reason.  We all make mistakes, we all deserve another chance, he didn't choose the childhood he had, nor the mother he had.  Had he not been tormented about the damage he had done to mum like he was then this tragedy would  not even be thought of.  With his marriage, as I say, everyone deserves a second chance, he asked for one and it was denied.  I am angry that he wasn't given that second chance or he would still be alive today.  Some people may take offense to me saying that but Gordon was MY brother, MY family, MY best friend who always picked me up when I fell over, MY idol because he seemed to be strong and could deal with anything.  Now he's gone.  Its been 3 months and I still cry every night.  I'm sorry if anyone is offended by what I wrote.  I wrote this at around 3am one morning, one of the many mornings I've not been able to sleep and sometimes, because of the grief, I miss him and I can feel sad, or even mad.  As I'm sure you can understand.  But I write these things as I am feeling at that time as part of the healing process.  Writing helps.  Sure, I cry and cry as I write but its better to do that than bottle it up which is what I did with what happened to me as a child.

By Julie, Gordon's sister.

Note:  I feel that this could have been avoided.  The first thing I said when I found out he had killed himself that "It was mums fault" and I never wanted to see her again.  As Gordon and I had been seeing her each weekend as therapy for ourselves to try and love her and forgive her and to be there for her.  It was not easy.  I remember Gordon saying at one time "I have to be so emotionally strong to go and see her". I had got to the point where I could hug her and say I love you but there was still some resentment I had to deal with.  We couldn't discuss things with her because she has dementia.  And I was angry with his wife, that she didn't give Gordon that second chance.  Having found out the root of why he had behaved like that he surely could have been forgiven since it was something he had had drummed into his head as a child growing up and he was scared he would hurt her, like something might go wrong with her delivering a child.  But I do understand what she would have had to go through with Gordon ending things the way he did.  She went through a lot of pain herself.  Even with Gordon's explanation, he didn't like the fact that there was another woman involved and so couldn't trust him in either respect.

Its Easter today, Good Friday. 18/4/2003

I cant not include Gordon in the celebration, even if it was just a phone call.  I have prayed and talked to him wishing him a happy Easter but its a sad one for me.

Julie

A wonderful chat room full of people who will listen and understand and share their stories with you and will help you through the rough times.  I have found it a great place to go and talk and simply "get things off my chest".  I had been having trouble at night time when all is quiet and Id think of my brother and just lose the plot, but here, they listen and help.  They are going through the same and are great understanding caring people.  Go visit if your grieving and need to talk.

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Suicide Survivors Grief Support Group

This site is powered by the ICQ Groups Panel © 2002 ICQ Inc. All Rights Reserved. Use of the ICQ Groups Panel is subject to the Terms of Service The Bravehearts Grief support of suicide survivors list has chosen ICQ as the preferred way for members to communicate. ICQ empowers members with a means to chat, share ideas, discuss similar interests or anything else they would like. The ICQ numbers of all members are listed below for quick contact from anyone who may visit this page. To add your name to this List, please email  Julie.     Related IrCQ-Net Chat Room: Click here Number Of Users: 2 List Created On: 24/03/2003 To be added to this List send email to julie.holmes@xtra.co.nz  ICQ List - Bravehearts Grief support of suicide survivors Picture Real Name NickName ICQ # (UIN) Contact Country/Location Julie MissChevious 461014 Add Me Msg Me New Zealand/Tauranga   What is ICQ ? As the name implies, ICQ or 'I Seek You' is simply a clever way to get in touch with people. This small program takes the complicated work of finding friends, colleagues and people with similar interests across the globe, and makes it as straightforward as calling across a room and starting a friendly conversation.   * ICQ is very user-friendly   * ICQ continually tells you which of your friends & colleagues are online   * ICQ lets you chat and send email messages   * ICQ allows you to quickly send and receive SMS, Wireless Pager, and Instant messages   * ICQ lets you easily send files to (and share files with) other people What is it? Download the ICQ Beta for a limited time free!